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  • Writer's picture Zalman Nelson - Therapist

"I Feel Flawed and Defective"

i feel flawed i am flawed

The Defectiveness Life Pattern is typically identified by the presence of strong feelings of being inwardly flawed and defective, that no one can really love you because of how flawed you are.

As a child, you were not respected and accepted by your family for who you were. Instead, you were intensely criticized for your flaws. In response, you blamed yourself for being so flawed and came to believe it was your fault that you received such rejecting treatment. And then, because you found it so difficult to believe that you would be loved, wanted, and valued by the people close to you, you started to expect rejection.

Defectiveness and Shame

A Life Pattern is a pattern of false beliefs about yourself, that started in your childhood and has been with you throughout life. It began with something that was DONE to you by your family or other children. You were abandoned, criticized, overprotected, abused, excluded, or rejected – you were damaged in some way.

The Defectiveness Life Pattern is most connected to the emotion of shame. It's what a defective-feeling person experiences when their defects are exposed. As such, you'll do almost anything to avoid the feeling of shame, and go to great lengths to hide your Defectiveness.

Out of the 11 Life Patterns, nearly half of people have Defectiveness as one of their primary Life Patterns. From the outside, however, they look very different and cope with feelings of shame in different ways. Some lack confidence and look insecure, surrendering to their defectiveness. Some look normal because they escape and avoid their defectiveness. And some look so good you would never believe they had defectiveness because they go on the offensives and counterattack when their Life Pattern is exposed.