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  • Writer's picture Zalman Nelson - Therapist

“I’m Always Disappointed in Other People”

Updated: Feb 9

Disappointed in Other People

The Emotional Deprivation Life Pattern is the belief that your need for love will never be met adequately by other people. You feel that no one truly cares for you or understands how you feel. You are probably attracted to cold and unforgiving people, or you may be cold and unforgiving yourself.

Your relationships are typically unsatisfying and you probably feel cheated. Typically, you alternate between feeling angry about it or feeling hurt and alone. Ironically your anger drives people away, even further, so it ensures you continue your deprivation. These people usually don't know what love is.

The origins of your Emotional Deprivation lie in the person who served as your maternal figure – the person who is chiefly responsible for giving you emotional nurturance. In some families this is Dad, but in our culture, it is usually mom. Dad is important also, but in the first years of life, it is usually Mom who formed the center of your world. That first relationship becomes the prototype for those that follow.

For the rest of your life, most close relationships will bear the stamp of that first experience with your mom.

👉With Emotional Deprivation, you received a less than average amount of maternal nurturance. The term nurturance has a number of dimensions, as you can see from the table below outlining the origins of this Life Pattern.

1. Your Mom was cold and unaffectionate. She did not hold and rock you enough.

2. You did not have a sense of being loved and valued – of being someone who is precious and special.

3. Your Mom didn’t give you enough time and attention.

4. Your Mom was not really tuned into your needs. She had difficulty empathizing with your world. She didn’t really connect with you.

5. Mom didn’t soothe you adequately. You then may not have learned to soothe yourself or to accept soothing from others.

6. Your parents did not adequately guide you or provide a sense of direction. There is no one solid for you to rely upon.

🙋‍♂️Now, as an adult, that part of your continues to show up in your relationships in the following ways:

1. You don't tell your partner what you need, then feel disappointed when your needs are not met.

2. You don't tell your partner how you feel, and then feel disappointed when you are not understood.

3. You don't allow yourself to be vulnerable so that your partner can protect or guide you.

4. You feel deprived, but you don't say anything. You harbor resentment.

5. You become angry and demanding.

6. You constantly accuse your partner of not caring enough about you.

7. You become distant and unreachable

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