We all have two selves: an Adult Self and a Child Self. And that Child Self learned over time to be deeply attached to an image he/she picked up of himself/herself. It's like a picture we carry around in our head, and our entire way of thinking, feeling, and acting is deeply rooted in this self-image.
And it's this Child Self, her unmet emotional needs (acceptance, love, validation, etc.), and her false self-beliefs (Life Patterns) that deeply contribute to the struggles and challenges we face in all of our relationships.
Easy to say. But so much harder to accept. We all find it difficult to sit with and accept the knowledge that there may be a part of us that has and is contributing to whatever negativity we are experiencing in our relationship and daily life. Rather, it's easier to place responsibility for our current situation and state of affairs on people and factors around us.
If all we've known is the false sense of self the Child Self clings to, the idea of having to change threatens our identity. That's why we, for years, have intensely defended that sense of self and held on to hope that the others in our life will be the ones to change.
They won't. But when we change, everything around us starts to change.