Are You and Your Partner Not Hearing Each Other?

The secret to being heard

Through your actions and words—what you choose to say and do—you can change the dynamics of your relationship, even if your partner resists making changes. Recognizing this dynamic lets you clarify your right to feel, have a perspective, and be heard. This awareness can help you identify where neither of you truly listens to the other.

I once worked with a client named Emily, who came to me frustrated that her husband, Mark, seemed to dismiss her feelings during their arguments. "It's like he's not hearing me at all," she said. "I feel invisible." As we explored their dynamic, it became clear that Emily and Mark were locked in a cycle of defensiveness. Neither felt heard, and both were too busy planning their responses to listen truly.

I suggested a radical shift for Emily: the next time they argued, she would stop trying to explain her side and focus entirely on understanding Mark's perspective. She would reflect back what she heard and acknowledge his feelings without interrupting or defending herself. It felt counterintuitive to her at first, but Emily was willing to try.

In your next conversation, consider doing what Emily did: focus entirely on your partner's words and viewpoints. Give them the chance to express themselves fully without interruption. As they speak, reflect back on the emotions you hear and the points they share. This approach will help them feel heard and validated.

Emily was amazed at the change. "Mark kept waiting for me to argue back at first, but when I didn't, he opened up more. Eventually, he stopped and looked at me like he couldn't believe I was listening. I felt like we had a real connection for the first time." When Mark had said everything he needed to say and felt truly understood, he became more open to hearing Emily's perspective.

When Emily shared her feelings and thoughts, Mark listened attentively, and she, too, felt genuinely heard. They discovered that resolving the issue was surprisingly easy once they had both fully expressed themselves and felt validated. Together, they found common ground and made compromises that worked for both of them.

When your partner feels fully understood, they may become silent because they no longer need to fight to be heard. That silence becomes your opportunity to share your thoughts.

You can make this shift because you understand the dynamics at play. You are in touch with your inner self and can see the bigger picture. While your partner may not yet be able to step back in the same way, you recognize that hearing them does not mean you automatically agree or forfeit your right to share your perspective.

hearing someone does not mean you automatically agree
or forfeit your right to share your perspective

Give this approach a try. Your partner may be stuck in a pattern where their ability to feel and share is threatened when you express understanding and validation. They may not be able to adjust the balance, but you can. As Emily discovered, sometimes, the first step to being heard is learning how to listen.

Ready to take the first step toward transforming your relationship? Download your free guide, Fix Your Relationship With 3 Weekly Meetings, and start creating the connection you’ve been longing for!