Building a Relationship Compass: How to Know What’s Right (and What’s Wrong) for You
Relationships are never simple. They’re full of both joy and pain, clarity and confusion, growth and heartbreak. But if you’ve ever walked away from a relationship feeling like you still don’t know how to choose differently next time, you’re not alone.
So often, people tell me:
“I just don’t trust myself. How do I know if this person is good for me?”
The truth is, there’s a way to build that trust. But it doesn’t come from looking at the other person first. It starts with looking at yourself.
A Simple But Powerful Practice
Here’s a tool I often share: Take a few of your past relationships—romantic, close friendships, even family dynamics—and make two lists.
What you want more of → Write 1–2 things you experienced in each relationship that you truly valued, enjoyed, or needed. These become your “green lights.”
What you want less of → Write 1–2 things that felt painful, depleting, or harmful. These become your “red flags.”
It sounds simple, but this exercise does something profound. It helps you build your own relationship compass. You start to see patterns. Not just random traits, but emotional truths about what nourishes you and what drains you.
A Story: Emily’s Compass
Let me give you an example. (Name changed.)
Emily had been through several relationships where she felt invisible. One partner dismissed her career as “just a hobby.” Another rolled his eyes whenever she expressed feelings. She wrote those down on her red-flag list: not interested in my inner world, belittles my work.
But she also remembered a relationship where her partner asked about her art, not just once but often. He wasn’t perfect, but he was curious. She realized how much that mattered to her. She felt alive when her creativity was valued. She put that on her green-light list: shows curiosity about my passions.
By comparing her current relationship to those lists, she suddenly had a clearer lens. It wasn’t about perfection. It was about whether the important needs were present, and whether the deal-breakers were absent.
Why This Works
Because without a compass, we slip into old patterns. We confuse chemistry with compatibility. We overlook disrespect because we’re afraid of being alone. We ignore exhaustion because “at least we’re not fighting.”
But when you name your red flags and green lights, you reclaim your power. More than just reacting to how someone treats you in the moment, you’re measuring it against the truth of your own needs.
And here’s something else: sometimes what looks like a dealbreaker fades with time. Other times, something small grows into a bigger problem. The list isn’t static. It’s alive. It evolves as you do.
The point isn’t to find someone flawless. Every relationship has stuff. The point is to make sure that the “stuff” doesn’t violate your core needs or values.
The Deeper Layer
Here’s where it gets even more important.
When you write those lists, you’re not just identifying what you want in a partner. You’re uncovering how you’ve been trained, since childhood, to ignore or minimize your own needs.
Maybe you stayed in relationships where you felt unworthy because deep down, that belief already lived inside you.
Maybe you overlooked red flags because you were used to prioritizing others over yourself.
By writing and reflecting, you’re not only building a relationship compass, you’re reparenting your inner child. You’re saying:
“I hear you. I know what you need. I won’t abandon you this time.”
That’s healing. That’s what shifts both how you choose partners and how you choose yourself.
Bringing This Into Your Life
If you’re reading this, I invite you to try it:
Pick two past relationships.
Write down 1–2 green lights and 1–2 red flags from each.
Look at your current situation through that lens.
See what comes up. And notice not just the list itself, but the feelings that surface as you write it. That’s where the deeper wisdom is.
A Space to Do This Together
This is exactly the kind of work we’ll be doing in my new $1/day Emotional Support Coaching Group on Telegram.
It’s not just about talking, it’s about practicing, daily.
You’ll get prompts and tools like the one in this post.
You’ll have me responding directly to your reflections.
You’ll meet others doing the same healing work.
And we’ll gather weekly on Zoom to go deeper.
Right now, we’re almost ready to launch. We need just 2 more people to join before we start. If you want to be part of the first circle, now’s the time.
👉 Click here to join for $1/day
If you’ve ever felt alone in your healing… if you’ve ever wondered how to trust yourself again… this is your space.
Let’s build your compass together.