Building the Most Important Relationship: You and Your Inner Child
Many of us come to therapy or personal growth feeling stuck — avoiding conflict, people pleasing, or running away from difficult feelings. But the root of this struggle often lies in a relationship we haven’t fully built yet: the one with ourselves, especially with our inner child.
Two Parts, One You: Adult and Inner Child
Inside each of us, there are two key parts at play.
The Adult Self: This is the thinking, planning, decision-making part of you. It wants growth, clarity, and change.
The Inner Child: This is the younger you, carrying all the feelings and experiences from your first years of life. This part absorbed the emotional environment around you — how your parents treated you, how safe and loved you felt.
Your inner child is still very much alive inside you. When your emotional needs as a child weren’t met, this part holds onto feelings of neglect, fear, or unworthiness. Here’s my story:
I grew up with parents who cared but were emotionally damaged. They wanted to be there but didn’t know how. They tried to do the opposite of how they were raised. There was love and care but also a lot missing emotionally. As a sensitive kid, I was always taking care of others’ feelings, making people feel safe — but never felt good about myself. I was trying to please others just to feel okay.
This inner experience shaped my path, and it’s why I’m passionate about helping others build a healthier relationship with their own inner child.
Unmet Needs and Limiting Beliefs
When early needs—like feeling safe, seen, and valued—weren’t met, uncomfortable feelings arose. To survive, your mind created limiting beliefs such as:
“I’m not worthy.”
“I have to keep everyone happy to be safe.”
“I’m not good enough.”
These beliefs helped you survive difficult environments as a child. But now, they create the very patterns that hold you back: avoidance, people pleasing, self-doubt, and emotional shutdown.
For example: You might find yourself saying yes when you want to say no because a part of you believes “If I don’t please everyone, I’ll be rejected.” This belief likely came from early experiences where keeping the peace was your way to feel safe.
Why Feelings Are the Language of Healing
Feelings are the direct language your inner child uses to get your attention. But most of us grow up without learning how to understand or express these feelings clearly.
This is where tools like feelings charts/lists or apps like How We Feel can be transformative. They help you:
Build an emotional vocabulary beyond vague terms like “sad” or “mad.”
Identify what’s truly happening inside you in specific moments.
Connect feelings to unmet emotional needs waiting to be acknowledged.
For example: After a difficult conversation, you might feel “off” or “irritable,” but naming those feelings more precisely as “hurt” and “disappointed,” and discovering several more words beyond that which accurately describe what you felt in that moment, can help you understand what your inner child really needs.
The Power of Naming and Validating Your Feelings
When you name your feelings, even just a couple of words, you start telling your inner child:
“I see you. You are heard. You matter.”
This simple act is profoundly healing because it replaces years of neglect with compassionate attention. The overwhelming emotions become manageable signals guiding you to what needs care. You build, develop, and strengthen your sense of validation, because you’re treating yourself as of worth and value: you’re worth the few moments it takes to stop, tune in, and catch the right feeling words.
For example: After a stressful day, pausing to say, “I’m feeling anxious and overwhelmed,” can help your inner child feel seen rather than pushed away.
Triggers Are Messages, Not Problems to Avoid
Triggers and recurring emotional patterns are not your enemies. They are desperate messages from your inner child seeking connection and healing.
Avoiding these feelings only makes them grow louder and more disruptive. Facing them with curiosity and kindness allows you to:
Understand your unmet needs.
Identify the limiting beliefs formed to cope with past pain.
Begin to gently let go of beliefs that no longer serve you.
For example: Getting angry when plans change unexpectedly could be a trigger rooted in childhood feelings of abandonment — a message your inner child wants you to hear.
Healing Is a Process of Reparenting
Healing means becoming the parent your inner child needed—the adult who listens, understands, and consistently meets emotional needs.
This relationship with yourself becomes the foundation for healthier relationships with others.
For example: When anxiety strikes, instead of pushing it away, you might say, “It’s okay to feel this. I’m here for you,” offering your inner child the warmth it needed growing up.
A Personal Moment From My Own Journey
One moment that deeply shaped my understanding was when I realized how much I was running on autopilot, trying to be strong and “have it together,” but disconnected from my own feelings. It wasn’t until I allowed myself to slow down and sit with those vulnerable feelings—to truly listen to my own inner child—that real healing began. That turning point helped me become the therapist and healer I am today, committed to guiding others through the same process.
You Are Not Alone on This Journey
Healing is not just insight or intellectual understanding. It’s a deep, ongoing practice of showing up for yourself — especially when it’s uncomfortable.
That’s why I offer messaging therapy, where we work together in real time to:
Catch triggers as they happen.
Name feelings and unmet needs.
Explore limiting beliefs and practice new ways of relating to yourself.
If you want to talk more about building this relationship with yourself and stepping into healing at your own pace, message me anytime. I’m here to help. Feel free to DM me. Using technology to connect, communicate, share, and support is a passion of mine.
—Zalman