How to Stop Attracting Emotionally Unavailable People
Here's why you keep falling for this same type
I recently worked with someone who was frustrated by a familiar, painful pattern: they kept attracting emotionally unavailable partners. This isn’t just a random occurrence; it’s a deeply ingrained cycle often tied to early life experiences. Breaking this pattern takes awareness, self-compassion, and deliberate effort, but it’s absolutely possible.
Let’s dive into why this happens, how to recognize the patterns, and, most importantly, how to break free.
What Does It Mean to Be Emotionally Unavailable?
Emotional unavailability comes in many forms, but at its core, it’s about inconsistency and unreliability. Partners who are emotionally unavailable often:
Give mixed signals.
Avoid deeper emotional intimacy.
Engage in sporadic communication that leaves you feeling uncertain or uneasy.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone—and you’re not doomed to keep repeating this cycle. One of the most liberating realizations is understanding that while you can’t change someone else, you can change the patterns that keep bringing them into your life.
The Roots of the Pattern
Here’s the hard truth: the people we’re drawn to often reflect what we learned about love and relationships growing up. If you grew up in an environment where emotional connection was unpredictable, conditional, or absent altogether, that can shape what feels "normal" to you in adulthood.
For example, one client I worked with grew up with emotionally self-absorbed and unreliable parents. They learned to anticipate others’ needs as a survival mechanism, sacrificing their own boundaries in the process. This hyper-focus on others’ emotions made them incredibly empathetic, but it also attracted partners who took more than they gave.
It’s a cycle rooted in familiarity. We gravitate toward what we know, even if it’s unhealthy. Recognizing this is the first step to breaking free.
Why We’re Drawn to Emotional Unavailability
Attraction isn’t just about physical chemistry; it’s about emotional patterns ingrained in us. Our “attraction system” unconsciously pulls us toward people who feel familiar—whether or not they’re good for us.
For instance:
If you’re used to chasing love, you might be drawn to partners who make you work for their attention.
If you grew up feeling like your emotions didn’t matter, you might unconsciously accept relationships where your needs are dismissed.
This isn’t about blaming yourself. It’s about understanding how these patterns play out and learning to choose differently.
The Addiction Analogy
Emotionally unavailable relationships can feel like an addiction. Think of gambling: it’s not the steady wins that keep you hooked—it’s the unpredictability.
When a partner is sometimes loving and sometimes distant, the inconsistency triggers a powerful psychological effect called intermittent reinforcement. The highs of connection keep you clinging through the lows of rejection. It’s an exhausting cycle but one that’s incredibly common.
The way out? Shifting the focus inward. Instead of trying to change or "win over" an emotionally unavailable person, focus on understanding and meeting your own emotional needs.
A Case Study: Breaking the Cycle
One client I worked with had a pattern of extreme selflessness that left no room for her needs. Growing up in a household with alcoholic parents, she learned to prioritize others’ emotions as a way to avoid conflict and gain a sense of control.
Over time, this led to relationships where she gave endlessly but rarely received the care and support she deserved. Her healing journey involved:
Recognizing her worth and understanding that her needs mattered as much as anyone else’s.
Practicing boundaries and learning to say no without guilt.
Reparenting herself by giving herself the love and validation she never received as a child.
This process allowed her to escape the victim mindset and reclaim her power, ultimately attracting healthier, more balanced relationships.
The Key to Change: Becoming Emotionally Available to Yourself
To stop attracting emotionally unavailable people, you must first become emotionally available to yourself. Here’s how:
Build Emotional Awareness: Start noticing your feelings, especially in moments of emotional pain or uncertainty. Name them. Journaling or using a feelings chart can help.
Connect the Dots: When triggered, ask yourself: What else have I felt this way? Often, the answer will point to patterns from childhood.
Shift the Focus: Instead of asking, “Why won’t they love me the way I need?” ask, “How can I love myself the way I need?”
Practice Boundaries: Emotional availability includes protecting your energy. Practice saying no to people or behaviors that drain you, even if it initially feels uncomfortable.
Breaking Free: From Victim to Empowerment
Breaking this cycle isn’t about fixing someone else. It’s about turning inward, understanding your patterns, and doing the inner work to rewrite them.
When you become emotionally available to yourself, you attract people who match that energy. You’re no longer drawn to what’s familiar but to what’s healthy.
Will you still face challenges? Of course. But you’ll face them from a place of empowerment, knowing that you can meet your own needs and build relationships that truly nurture you.
If this resonates with you, take it as a sign to start doing the work. You’re not alone in this journey; every small step you take brings you closer to the love and connection you deserve.
Feel free to share your thoughts or experiences in the comments—I’d love to hear from you. If you want more insights like this, hit subscribe for regular posts on relationships, growth, and emotional well-being.
You’ve got this.