How to Stop Repeating Old Relationship Patterns
And why learning from the past is your best tool for healing
Most people don’t realize how much their past shapes their present.
When clients come to me unsure about a relationship, wondering if it’s “the one,” sensing red flags, or doubting themselves, I often give them an exercise that seems simple, but changes everything:
Compare.
Not to other people’s relationships or Instagram highlight reels.
To your own.
Here’s how:
Write down 1–2 things you valued in each past relationship: what felt good, safe, or nourishing.
Then write down 1–2 things that drained you, hurt you, or you never want to repeat.
Do this for a few relationships. Suddenly you’ll have something you’ve probably never had before: a map.
A map of your needs.
A map of your red flags.
A map of what actually works for you—and what doesn’t.
Why Patterns Repeat
Without reflection, most people bring only two things into a new relationship: chemistry and hope.
Chemistry pulls you in. Hope convinces you this time will be different.
But if you haven’t mapped your needs and red flags, you’re flying blind.
Take Rachel (not her real name). Every partner she chose was exciting, social, and charming. But every single one dismissed her feelings when she was vulnerable. Over and over, she told herself she was “too much” and tried to shrink.
When she finally wrote her lists, her top need was clear: a partner who doesn’t make me feel wrong for having emotions.
It sounds obvious, but she had never been clear about it, and never actually demanded it until that moment.
What “Dealbreakers” Really Mean
Your list doesn’t magically solve relationships. Here’s what usually happens:
Some red flags are obvious right away.
Others surface only with time.
Things you thought were dealbreakers fade as you grow together.
Small annoyances sometimes reveal themselves as big problems.
And here’s the truth: even the best relationship has friction.
The difference is whether the friction breaks you down or builds intimacy.
Growth happens when both people can say: This is uncomfortable, but we can work through it together.
Why People-Pleasers and Conflict-Avoiders Struggle Most
If you’re a people-pleaser or conflict-avoider, this exercise may feel foreign.
You’re used to asking, “What do they need from me? How can I keep the peace?”
Your own needs rarely even make it into the conversation.
That’s like signing a contract without reading it. No wonder so many people-pleasers and conflict-avoiderswake up years later drained, resentful, and wondering how they got stuck.
Writing these lists forces your needs into the open.
It makes your voice undeniable, even to yourself.
A New Kind of Choice
The beauty of this process is that it doesn’t dictate your decision.
You might stay. You might leave.
But the choice is different.
Instead of silencing the part of you that says, “I’m overwhelmed” or “I’m not happy,” you acknowledge it.
That’s what emotional honesty looks like.
That’s what self-trust feels like.
The Real Healing Work
The lists you create aren’t really about your exes. They’re about you.
What needs keep showing up?
What feelings return again and again?
What old beliefs like “I’m too much” or “I’ll never be chosen” still echo in the background?
Those aren’t random. They’re trailheads. Each one is a doorway into deeper healing, into finally listening to the part of you that was ignored long ago.
That’s how you break the cycle.
Not by finding the perfect partner, but by finally finding yourself.
Want to Practice This Daily?
This is exactly the kind of work we do inside my $1/day Emotional Support Coaching Group on Telegram.
It’s not theory. It’s daily practice.
Real support while you’re actually living your life.
Here’s what’s included:
Daily prompts to help you notice patterns in real time
Direct feedback from me when you share
A supportive group of people on the same journey
Weekly live Zoom Q&A for deeper guidance
We’re almost ready to launch, only 2 spots left before we begin.
It’s $31/month. Less than a single dinner out. And it could change how you relate to yourself and everyone around you.
👉 Click here to learn more or join
Your triggers aren’t random. They’re messages.
When you learn to listen, you stop repeating old stories.
And you finally start writing your own.