It's exhausting to be on all the time

Photo by YIANNIS KAKOURIS on Unsplash

I remember how exhausting it was to feel like I had to be “on” all the time.

Even as a therapist, I spent years acting like I had it all figured out. I had the degrees and I knew all the theories. But I’d still be in a tough conversation and my heart would start racing or my stomach would feel wobbly.

It was this familiar old sensation that reminded me of being a little boy worried I was going to get punished, or yelled at, or caught in a mess.

Do you know that feeling? Like you’re suddenly small again even though you’re the one who is supposed to be in charge?

The hard part was that I knew all the tools. I could give you a whole talk on mindset and how to handle stress. But when the pressure rose, all those points I’d studied didn’t really click in. They didn’t bring any real change because my body had already decided I was in trouble.

You can’t just think your way out of a survival reflex. It’s like trying to talk your way out of a heart rate spike. It just doesn’t work that way.

We’re wired to look for real connection to feel safe. But most of the time, especially at work, we’re just performing for each other. We’re trying to look steady while our internal system is screaming that we’re in danger.

That performance is what actually drains the battery. It’s not the work itself that’s so tiring; it’s the constant effort to hide the mess so we don’t get in trouble. We physically know when we’re performing instead of leading. It just leaves you empty at the end of the day.

What finally changed things for me was getting the core of me to feel safe.

I had to stop trying to manage the symptoms. I had to realize that the mess wasn’t a crisis and I wasn’t actually in danger of being punished anymore. Once that part of me finally felt secure, the panic just stopped. I didn’t need the techniques anymore because the emergency brake wasn’t being pulled.

The day is a lot lighter now. I don’t have to white-knuckle my way through a meeting or stare at the ceiling at 2 AM wondering why the tools aren’t helping.

What about you? Do you ever get that old sensation, like you have all the know-how but your body is still reacting to a threat that isn’t there? Does it feel like you’re still waiting for someone to catch you in a mess?

Let me know if you’ve felt that too.