The Journey from Avoiding to Facing: Healing Old Patterns That Keep You Stuck

Photo by Kyle Broad on Unsplash

I want to share part of a recent journey with one of my clients (let’s call her Miriam) because her experience shines a light on something so many of us struggle with: the relentless cycle of old emotional wounds, self-doubt, and patterns that keep us locked in the past.

Miriam’s Story: Wrestling with Anxiety, Doubt, and the Fear of Connection

Miriam opened up about feeling anxious and obsessed, especially around relationships with men she found very attractive. She wrestled with thoughts like:

“Is this real connection, or just obsession?”

“Why would someone like me want to be with me?”

“Am I just making things worse by overthinking?”

She described how old patterns like feeling nervous, avoiding, or shutting down kept repeating, sometimes for years. The shame, anxiety, and confusion from past relationships felt like a storm she couldn’t escape.

At one point, she shared how even simple comments stuck with her, blown up in her mind into mountains of fear and doubt.

She also recognized a deeper struggle: being alone too much, especially after leaving a busy life behind. The quiet opened space for her thoughts and fears to grow louder. Her isolation made dating feel overwhelming, fueling anxiety and depressive feelings.

The Roots: Limiting Beliefs and Unmet Emotional Needs

When I listen to stories like Miriam’s, I see more than the surface anxiety or relationship struggles.

I see a young inner child who never learned that she matters.

I see the echo of unmet emotional needs from childhood: the need to feel safe, loved, seen, and valued.

When those needs weren’t met, our minds created protective beliefs:

“I’m not worthy.”

“I’m not lovable.”

“I have to prove myself.”

These beliefs helped us survive tough environments, but as adults, they keep us trapped in patterns of self-doubt, people-pleasing, avoidance, and emotional isolation.

Why Feelings Matter More Than You Think

The breakthrough came when Miriam started focusing on her feelings, not just the thoughts or stories she told herself.

She learned to name the emotions underneath the anxiety: fear, insecurity, sadness, longing.

We used tools like feelings charts—lists of feeling words—to help her identify and describe her inner experience with clarity.

Why?

Because feelings are the language of your inner child. They are the signals that show you what unmet needs are still waiting for your attention.

When you start naming feelings, you stop being controlled by vague, overwhelming emotions. You start having a conversation with yourself. You start validating your inner child…the scared little girl or boy who has been ignored for far too long.

Healing Is a Journey, Not a Quick Fix

This work isn’t easy or fast. It takes courage to face feelings you’ve spent a lifetime avoiding.

Miriam talked about feeling scared, overwhelmed, sometimes wanting to flee or numb out.

That’s normal.

Healing is not linear. It’s about tuning in, sometimes pushing a little, sometimes stepping back to breathe.

And gradually, as you become more aware and compassionate with yourself, the old stories lose their grip.

Reparenting: Meeting Your Inner Child’s Needs

One of the most powerful parts of this process is learning to reparent yourself.

Imagine the inner child who felt unseen, unheard, or unsafe.

Your inner adult self becomes the adult who listens, understands, and shows up consistently to meet those needs.

It’s like being the loving parent you never had, or maybe the parent you needed more of.

When you do this, everything changes.

You stop attracting people and situations that retraumatize you.

You start building relationships that feel safe and nurturing.

And you begin to trust yourself.

Consistency Builds Confidence

Miriam also noticed how consistency in small self-care habits like going to the gym or tuning into feelings daily created compound change.

It’s not about doing everything perfectly.

It’s about showing up.

Showing up for yourself.

Each small check-in builds your emotional vocabulary and your resilience.

Each time you tune in, you tell your inner child “You matter. I see you.”

What’s Next? Moving Beyond Awareness to True Change

Miriam’s progress was beautiful, but she also recognized limits.

Awareness was growing, but some old patterns still showed up: the shame, the self-sabotage, the avoiding.

That’s when we began exploring the deeper layer: the limiting beliefs that fuel those behaviors.

Beliefs like “I’m not worthy,” “I don’t deserve love,” or “I have to keep people happy.”

Changing those beliefs isn’t about logic or willpower. It’s about feeling into them, understanding why they exist, and gently—with gratitude—letting them go because they no longer serve you.

That’s where the real transformation happens.

This Work Is Possible, And You Don’t Have To Do It Alone

I share Miriam’s story not just to illustrate struggle but to highlight what real healing looks like.

It’s messy, sometimes painful, but also deeply rewarding.

If you’re reading this and recognizing yourself, know that healing is within reach.

It starts with tuning in—even for just a few seconds, consistently—and builds from there.

And you don’t have to do it alone.

In my messaging therapy, we work together in real time. Catching those triggers, naming feelings, exploring limiting beliefs, and building your relationship with your inner child.

It’s about creating lasting change you can maintain day by day.

If this resonates with you, if you want support breaking out of your old patterns and stepping into your true self, reach out.

Let’s walk this path together.

You deserve healing that moves with you, not just once a week but every day.

Thank you, Miriam, for your courage and trust.