What To Do When You’re Not Being Heard in a Relationship
And Why It Hurts So Much
Let’s talk about something real.
It’s painful when you ask for something in a relationship—especially when it’s hard for you to ask—and the other person says yes… and then doesn’t follow through.
That’s not just annoying. It cuts deeper.
Because it’s not really about the dishes, or the cat, or the money spent.
It’s about what it stirs up inside you.
And that’s where the real work begins.
Being Heard Takes More Than Words
Being heard is not just about saying something out loud.
Real listening happens when the other person shows they understood through actions, not just words. They respond. They adjust. They show that your voice made a difference.
When that doesn’t happen, it’s not just disappointing.
It can feel familiar in a painful way.
You might think:
“I guess I really am too much.”
“I guess I shouldn’t ask.”
“I knew it. I’m on my own.”
But here’s the twist:
That feeling is not just about this moment.
It’s touching something older and deeper.
The Deeper Pattern: “I’m Not Allowed to Ask for Help”
When someone says yes but then lets us down, it often confirms an old belief. Maybe one like:
I’m not allowed to ask for help.
If I speak up about my needs, I’ll be ignored.
I’ll always be let down.
Needing something makes me unlovable.
And if that belief is running in the background, then even when someone does follow through, you may still feel unsafe, unsure, or unworthy.
So let’s slow it down and look at what’s really happening.
A Case Story to Ground This
Let’s say you ask your partner to help take care of something with your pet. He agrees. Four days pass. You end up dealing with the fall out and consequences, juggling it as best you can, even suffering, and he still hasn’t done it. You send a photo. No response.
So you just go and do it yourself.
It’s easy to focus on him:
“Why didn’t he do it?”
But I want you to focus on the moment you realized he wasn’t going to.
That is where the real emotional work lives.
What feeling hit you right then?
What part of you woke up in that moment?
If you explore that moment, you’ll often find something old.
A belief or wound that has nothing to do with cats or chores.
It’s the part of you that’s been trying to be heard for a long time.
This Isn’t Just About the Other Person
When you start to explore what these moments bring up inside you, something powerful shifts.
You pull your identity out of the dynamic.
You start to see:
“This is not just our current problem. This is my old story being activated.”
And once you see that, you get to choose differently.
You can pause.
You can name the feeling.
You can speak it—not to assign blame, but to invite growth.
Real Communication Is Not Just Solving Problems
Here’s a simple tool:
Pick a recent moment where you felt something—abandoned, shut down, hurt—and walk through it together. Like this:
“We agreed on one Valentine’s card. You got three. I noticed I felt confused, a little small, maybe even invisible. Can you tell me what was going on for you?”
Start with facts. Then share your internal experience.
And stay curious. See it for the opportunity it is to learn more about each other. You’re a person that just did or said x, y, z… Ask:
What were you thinking?
What were you feeling?
What were you hoping I’d understand?
That’s the gold.
Not blame. Not outcomes. Just understanding.
That’s what builds intimacy.
You Can’t Read Minds, Even If You’re Highly Empathic
Your empathy is beautiful. But trying to guess what someone else is thinking or feeling—especially in a tense moment—will often backfire.
Instead of guessing, ask.
Let your partner know:
“When you do X, I feel cared about.”
“When you don’t follow through, I feel abandoned.”
Then invite the same from them.
That’s how relationships grow.
Not through perfection. But through real, curious, honest conversation.
Final Thought
The moments that feel like conflict?
They are actually revealing something.
About you.
About your story.
About what your relationship needs in order to grow.
So don’t run from the discomfort. Let it teach you.
Because once you can say,
“Here’s what this brought up for me, and I want to understand what it brought up for you,”
you are not just solving problems.
You are building something real.
Want Help Having These Conversations?
If you’re ready to explore what your relationship patterns are trying to teach you—especially around asking for help, being seen, and speaking up—this is the kind of work we do in Messaging Therapy.
It’s real-time support, in your pocket, when you need it most.
🔁 Refer someone to Messaging Therapy
They can start with the free 3-day trial at zalmannelson.com/work-with-me
💸 You get 15 percent off
As a thank-you, you’ll receive 15 percent off your monthly plan for every person who signs up through you.
🤝 They get 10 percent off
The person you refer gets 10 percent off too. No code needed. Just have them mention your name on Telegram.
There’s no limit to how many people you can refer.
If you’ve felt the impact of this kind of support, imagine what it could do for someone else.
P.S.
Let me know what this brought up for you.
Or just hit reply.
You don’t have to figure this stuff out alone.