When Someone Else’s Pain Gets Taken Out on You
Why it stings, what it awakens, and how to take your power back
Recently, one of my clients (let’s call her Rachel) came to me upset.
She works in healthcare. She had just been ripped apart by a patient’s husband. He accused her of being incompetent, uncaring, and a poor advocate. He raised his voice, threw accusations, and made her feel small.
She knew the truth: she’s good at her job, she cares deeply about patients, and she was doing her best in a stressful situation. And she even understood why he lashed out: his wife was terrified, and he felt powerless to help her. The criticism wasn’t really about her.
But here’s the catch.
Knowing all that didn’t make it hurt any less.
Why It Hurts Anyway
This is the tricky thing about triggers.
Your adult self can look at a situation and say, “That wasn’t fair, and it wasn’t about me.”
But inside, there’s a younger part of you, a kid who grew up in an environment where your needs didn’t matter, where criticism or rejection felt constant, where you had to stay quiet to survive.
When someone comes at you harshly, even a stranger, that younger part wakes up.
And suddenly the sting isn’t just about this moment. It’s about every other time you felt unseen, unheard, or unworthy.
The Two Layers of Response
When Rachel processed this with me, I pointed out the two things happening:
Her Adult Self knew he was scared, overwhelmed, and lashing out. She could even feel compassion for him.
Her Inner Kid heard the old messages: “You don’t matter. You’re not enough. You should just take it.”
Both are real. Both need attention.
The key is not to abandon that kid part again. Not to shove her aside with, “Don’t be so sensitive, it wasn’t about you.”
Because for her, it was about her.
What Healing Looks Like
Here’s the healing move:
Feel the sting. Name the feelings: sadness, anger, rejection, disappointment.
Trace them back. Notice where else in your life you felt this way. Often it’s not the first time.
Show up differently. Let your adult self step in and say to that kid part:
“I see you. I hear you. You didn’t deserve that. You are worthy.”
Over time, this changes everything.
Because when you no longer abandon yourself in those moments, the power other people have to trigger you fades.
You begin to see their outbursts as reflections of their pain and not proof of yours.
A Simple Image to Remember
I often use this image:
Imagine a little girl falls off a swing and runs crying to her mother. But instead of comforting her, the mother turns her back.
The child doesn’t stop needing comfort. She just learns she can’t get it.
That’s what so many of us lived through. And that’s why moments like Rachel’s sting so deeply. They echo that early abandonment.
Healing is you, now as an adult, turning toward that little girl. Picking her up. Saying, “I’ve got you.”
Bringing It Back to You
So next time someone lashes out at you (a boss, a partner, a stranger at work) pause.
Ask yourself:
What am I really feeling right now?
Where else in my life have I felt this before?
What does my inner kid need from me in this moment?
Then give it. Even if it’s just 30 seconds of naming the feeling and saying, “I see you.”
That’s how you take back your power.
Why Daily Support Matters
Here’s the thing: moments like this don’t wait for your next therapy session.
They happen on a Tuesday afternoon, in the middle of your workday, when you’re least prepared.
That’s why daily support is so powerful. Having a place to process in the moment changes the game. Instead of carrying the sting for days or weeks, you work through it right away. You grow stronger one small step at a time.
The $1/Day Emotional Support Coaching Group
That’s exactly what my new Telegram group is built for.
📲 Daily prompts and tools to help you process triggers as they happen.
💬 My direct responses so you’re never left alone with the sting.
👥 A supportive community of people who get it and grow alongside you.
🎥 Weekly live Zoom Q&As to go deeper and get your questions answered.
It’s just $1/day ($31/month) — and we only need 2 more people to sign up before we launch. After that, we start.
Healing doesn’t happen once a week. It happens in the messy, raw, in-between moments.
And you don’t have to face them alone.