Why a Therapist Gives Better Dating Advice Than a Dating Coach
"Why should I take dating advice from a therapist?"
"Wouldn’t a dating coach be better?"
"What does therapy even have to do with dating?"
If you’ve ever wondered this, you’re not alone.
After all, dating coaches teach you strategies—how to text, how to flirt, how to attract the “right” person. They focus on the game of dating.
But therapists? We focus on why you date the way you do.
And that’s exactly why therapy holds the key to breaking toxic patterns and actually finding the right relationship.
Why Therapy Is the Ultimate Dating Hack
Here’s what I see every day in therapy:
People stuck in dating loops, choosing the same wrong partners.
People frustrated by chemistry that leads nowhere.
People desperate for something different—but unsure how to make it happen.
And here’s what most people don’t realize:
🚨 Dating isn’t just about who you meet. It’s about who you are when you meet them.
A therapist doesn’t just teach you how to date—we help you understand why you’re attracted to certain people, why your patterns repeat, and how to shift them for good.
Because the truth is: Attraction isn’t random. It’s emotional.
The Emotional Side of Dating: What No One Teaches You
Most people think dating is about:
Finding the right "type."
Following the right rules.
Waiting for the right timing.
But that’s not how attraction actually works.
Attraction is deeply emotional. And it’s based on:
🔹 What feels familiar (not necessarily what’s healthy).
🔹 Unconscious emotional patterns from childhood.
🔹 How much we’ve faced—or avoided—our emotions.
If you don’t understand your emotional triggers, you’ll keep repeating the same dating mistakes—even if you change the person.
Are You an Avoider or a Facer?
Every dater falls into one of two categories:
1️⃣ Avoiders – Distract themselves from emotions, chase excitement, struggle with deep connection.
2️⃣ Facers – Tune into their emotions, understand themselves, and date from a place of clarity.
Which one sounds more like you?
Most people are avoiders—but not because they’re bad at dating. It’s because no one ever taught them how to process emotions.
💡 As kids, we weren’t taught emotional awareness. If we felt sad or hurt, we were often told:
“Just move on.”
“You’re overreacting.”
“Don’t be so sensitive.”
So we learned to ignore, suppress, and numb emotions. And that habit carries into dating.
How Avoiding Your Emotions Hurts Your Dating Life
📌 Every argument in a relationship isn’t just about the issue—it’s about the emotions underneath.
Let’s say your partner is late to meet you and didn’t text.
🚫 An Avoider’s Reaction:
Feels anxious but ignores it.
Snaps at their partner without knowing why.
Later, feels guilty but brushes it off.
✅ A Facer’s Reaction:
Notices the feeling: “I feel unimportant.”
Recognizes where it comes from: “This reminds me of feeling ignored as a kid.”
Expresses it: “Hey, when you didn’t text, I felt unseen. Can we handle it differently next time?”
See the difference?
The first person reacts blindly. The second person responds with awareness.
And that awareness? That’s what changes your dating patterns.
How to Become a Better Dater (No Games Required)
If you want to stop repeating the same cycles in dating, you don’t need more tactics. You need more self-awareness.
Here’s how to start:
1️⃣ Identify Your Dating Triggers
Think about your last relationship. Ask yourself:
What emotions came up the most?
When else in my life have I felt those same emotions?
Use a feelings chart (Google it) to get specific. The more you name your emotions, the less they control you.
2️⃣ Stop Running—Start Feeling
Most dating struggles happen because we’re avoiding emotions.
🚫 We chase new relationships to distract from old wounds.
🚫 We get obsessed with "chemistry" (which is often just familiarity).
🚫 We ignore red flags because facing them feels too uncomfortable.
Instead, pause. Feel. Process.
The more comfortable you get with your own emotions, the less you’ll look for others to "fix" them for you.
3️⃣ Redefine What “Chemistry” Means
A lot of people say:
“If I don’t feel immediate chemistry, I’m not interested.”
“There has to be that instant spark.”
But here’s the truth about chemistry:
🚨 Sometimes, it’s just emotional familiarity—not real connection.
If you grew up with emotional neglect, chaos, or uncertainty, a calm, healthy partner might feel "boring."
If you grew up with love that felt like a chase, someone who actually shows up might feel too easy.
💡 Chemistry is often your wounds recognizing someone familiar—not someone good for you.
This is why awareness is key. Because when you understand this, you can stop chasing old patterns and start building something real.
Final Thoughts: The Secret to Successful Dating
🚫 Dating isn’t about games.
🚫 It’s not about finding someone who "completes" you.
🚫 It’s not about changing your personality to be more "attractive."
It’s about knowing yourself.
✔️ Understanding your emotional triggers.
✔️ Facing your patterns instead of repeating them.
✔️ Learning to trust yourself—so you can choose better partners.
When you do this, you naturally attract better relationships. Not because you “tried harder” or followed dating tricks…
…but because you changed your relationship with yourself.
Your Next Step: Get Emotionally Clear Before You Date Again
🔥 Your turn: What’s one emotional pattern you’ve noticed in your dating history? Hit reply and let me know.
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