Why You Self-Sabotage

What you need to know in order to change it

You’ve probably noticed patterns in your behavior, and you might wonder why you act the way you do. In my years of doing therapy work on relationships, I observed many of these patterns, and I want to help you understand them, too. Healing yourself can be incredibly challenging—even recognizing what you’re struggling with is no easy task.

However, once you see the whole picture, you’re well on your way to transforming your relationships, including your relationship with yourself. And supporting that is my passion.

You have two parts within you: your Inner Child (or Child Self) and your Adult Self. Your Inner Child carries your past experiences, including whether your needs were met or unmet during childhood. Those unresolved needs don’t just vanish; they stay with you, even as an adult. But here’s the good news: Your adult Self can help you heal, grow, and address those lingering unmet needs.

Despite this healing potential, it’s often a struggle. Until you start confronting those unmet needs, they can dominate you, leaving you feeling like a kid in an adult body. Healing is possible, but it takes courage and effort.

One pattern you might recognize is how low self-esteem can affect you. Your Inner Child may carry a deep sense of unworthiness, even as your Adult Self recognizes your achievements and capabilities. Without self-healing and

building your confidence, that inner voice of unworthiness can overwhelm you, keeping you stuck in old patterns.

This struggle often shows up when you encounter kindness and respect from others. Imagine someone treating you with genuine care and respect—it might feel wonderful at first, but it can also stir up a deep inner conflict. On one hand, being treated kindly proves that you’re worthy. On the other hand, your Inner Child, rooted in feelings of worthlessness, might resist that kindness because it challenges your long-held beliefs about yourself.

You might even find yourself rejecting the very kindness you crave. This isn’t because you don’t want kindness—it’s because confronting your Inner Child’s belief system can feel uncomfortable. Helping that kid part challenge those long-held deep beliefs can feel impossible, frightening, and overwhelming. Returning to feelings of worthlessness can feel easier than facing those unresolved emotions, beginning the healing process, and working toward building a genuine sense of self-worth.

But here’s the truth: you can heal. You can develop a stronger sense of self-worth by acknowledging your Inner Child’s needs and taking steps to meet them. This shift will allow you to embrace and appreciate the kindness and respect that others offer you, transforming how you feel about yourself and your relationships. Healing starts when you stop rejecting the care you deserve and begin treating yourself with the kindness you’ve always needed.