You Read the Tips on Setting Boundaries But It Still Feels Impossible. Here’s Why.
We’ve all seen those handy lists of boundary-setting phrases, things like:
“I can’t do that, but I can help you find someone who can.”
“I appreciate the gesture, but in the future, I’d prefer…”
“I’m not comfortable discussing this topic with you.”
“Thanks for your concern, but I can handle this.”
“I’m allowed to change my mind.”
“No, thank you.”
They’re great tools…simple, clear ways to say no or create space for yourself.
But here’s the truth no one talks about enough:
No matter how perfect your boundary words are, if your core sense of worth and validation is shaky, putting those boundaries into practice feels almost impossible.
You might want to say “I can’t do that,” or “I’m uncomfortable,” but old patterns pull you back into silence. You prioritize others, push your needs down, and stay quiet because inside, you don’t feel safe enough to stand firm.
That’s why communication techniques alone don’t work.
They’re battling against deep inner wounds and limiting beliefs that keep you stuck in the same old patterns.
The real healing starts before the boundary words.
It’s about going deep into your emotions, naming the pain, and rebuilding a true relationship with yourself.
Until you do that, no script or phrase will be stronger than the voice inside that says:
“I don’t deserve this.”
“I have to keep them happy.”
“My needs don’t matter.”
The good news?
When you start doing the inner work, those boundary sentences suddenly become powerful tools, not just words you wish you could say.
A glimpse from my work
I’ve seen clients stuck in endless cycles of “he said, she said,” never reaching the feelings underneath. When I started asking about their emotions, the silence was deafening.
That’s when I realized: I wasn’t attuned enough to my own feelings around familiar patterns.
My emotional vocabulary was weak.
So I started using feeling charts; lists of feelings words. Not just with clients, but with myself.
That simple practice brought clarity. It felt like hearing and understanding myself for the first time.
My Adult Self became the primary emotional responder: listening, tuning in.
Trigger moments stopped being overwhelming storms and became moments where my Inner Kid (I call him Little Sam) sought my attention, like a child tugging at my sleeve, desperate to be seen and heard.
Each feeling led me back—sometimes just an hour ago, sometimes decades back—to memories where those feelings first surfaced.
That’s when I started the journey:
From feelings → unmet emotional needs → limiting beliefs → coping mechanisms → healing and transformation.
Why this matters for you
Uncomfortable feelings always point to unmet needs.
Those unmet needs created limiting beliefs to protect you during tough times.
Then, unhealthy coping skills formed to manage those beliefs.
When you work through the limiting beliefs and learn to let them go (because they served you once but no longer do) the coping skills balance out and transform into your greatest strengths.
For me, it was extreme selflessness: always taking care of everyone else’s feelings and needs, while abandoning my own.
That was my survival.
Now? Knowing I matter, that I’m allowed to feel, and having tools to set boundaries without guilt has been transformative.
My empathy, compassion, and sensitivity didn’t disappear.
They became my superpowers.
What if your therapy or coaching isn’t going deep enough?
Surface-level tips and communication exercises won’t outpace deeply embedded limiting beliefs and years of coping mechanisms.
If your healing process isn’t digging into those roots, it’s no surprise you’re stuck.
You deserve more.
You deserve to get to the core.
Want help moving beyond scripts and surface fixes to real transformation?
If you’re ready to stop feeling stuck and start setting boundaries that truly stick, I’ve got you covered.
Check out my Effortless Boundaries Mini Course — short video and easy-to-use templates designed to guide you step-by-step toward healthier, stronger boundaries.
Or, if you want personalized support and a trusted guide by your side, consider messaging therapy with me: real-time guidance as you build new habits and heal from the inside out.
Ready to take the next step? Reply to this note or DM me to learn more.
Your boundaries and your peace are worth it.
Talk soon,
Zalman