You’re Doing Everything Right—And It’s Still Not Working
A message for people-pleasers who are exhausted, confused, and starting to lose hope.
If you’re a people-pleaser, chances are…
You’re trying really, really hard.
To be kind.
To be thoughtful.
To be emotionally generous, accommodating, understanding.
You don’t want to be a burden.
You don’t want to upset anyone.
You’d rather carry the tension yourself than risk conflict.
You’ve trained yourself to go with the flow—even when you’re drowning in it.
You’re doing everything “right.”
And yet…
It’s not working.
You still feel unseen.
You say yes—and then stew in resentment.
You show up for others—and feel crushed when they don’t show up for you.
You keep giving—and feel invisible.
You tell yourself:
“If I just communicate better…”
“If I just have more patience…”
“If I’m more flexible, more understanding, more emotionally available…”
Then they’ll see me.
Then I’ll feel chosen.
Then the relationship will feel good.
But it doesn’t.
Client Story: Sarah, the “Supportive Partner”
Let me tell you about Sarah (not her real name).
She came to me saying, “I’m doing everything I can in my relationship. I listen, I compromise, I try not to make things a big deal. But he still calls me ‘too sensitive.’ He still shuts down whenever I bring something up. I feel like I’m going crazy.”
We talked more. And I saw the pattern instantly.
Sarah had learned early on to be the emotional glue in her household.
She was the “easy kid.”
The one who smoothed over arguments.
The one who stayed quiet so her parents wouldn’t spiral.
She didn’t learn to feel safe expressing her needs—she learned to feel safe not having any.
So in her adult relationship, she was still playing the same role:
Minimizing her needs
Over-explaining her emotions
Taking responsibility for her partner’s discomfort
Staying silent until her silence made her sick
And the worst part?
The more she gave, the less seen she felt.
The more she tried to be understanding, the more alone she became.
The more she “kept the peace,” the more war she carried inside.
When she finally set a boundary—something as simple as “I need you to let me finish speaking”—her partner said: “What’s going on with you? You’ve changed.”
And that’s when it clicked for her.
She hadn’t changed.
She was just done performing.
Why It’s Not Working
Here’s the hard truth people-pleasers eventually run into:
People-pleasing doesn’t build real connection.
It builds emotional imbalance.
When your relationships are built on self-abandonment…
When your love is tied to keeping the other person comfortable…
When your self-worth depends on how little you ask for…
You can’t feel truly loved—because the person they love isn’t really you.
You might be likable.
You might be “easy.”
You might be praised for being the one who “never complains.”
But inside?
You’re exhausted.
You’re resentful.
And you’re starting to wonder if there’s something wrong with you for wanting more.
What You’re Actually Doing
Here’s what people-pleasers do without realizing it:
Say yes to things they want to say no to
Apologize for having needs
Over-explain decisions out of guilt
Stay in relationships that don’t feel safe or reciprocal
Hide frustration because conflict feels dangerous
Feel responsible for everyone else’s emotions
Interpret self-care as selfishness
None of that is your fault.
It’s what you learned to do.
Because somewhere along the way, you absorbed the message:
“I’ll be safe if I make others happy.”
But people-pleasing doesn’t make people love you more.
It just makes you disappear.
This Pattern Doesn’t Always Look the Same
Let me tell you about Josh (also not his real name).
He was in his mid-30s when he started therapy. Successful career. Smart. Kind.
Everyone liked him.
But he felt emotionally disconnected, especially in his dating life.
“Women always say I’m ‘so nice’—but they don’t stick around,” he told me.
“And honestly, I’m starting to wonder if something’s wrong with me.”
As we talked, it became clear: Josh wasn’t showing up as himself.
He was showing up as who he thought would be liked.
On dates, he’d agree with everything.
He’d never express a preference, challenge a view, or show frustration.
He thought being emotionally low-maintenance would make him attractive.
But what he really communicated was: “I don’t have needs. I don’t take up space. I’ll be whoever you want me to be.”
Underneath that was a childhood filled with unpredictable emotions from caregivers.
So Josh became the calm one. The fixer. The emotional container for everyone else.
He didn’t learn to connect by being seen—he learned to connect by disappearing just enough to avoid being a problem.
And in adult relationships?
That pattern made him invisible.
We worked together on helping Josh tune into his own needs, desires, boundaries, and frustrations—and learning how to tolerate the discomfort of expressing them.
Not in a reactive or aggressive way, but in a grounded, authentic one.
It was awkward at first. He was terrified of being “too much.”
But the more he practiced staying connected to himself, the more confident—and attractive—he became.
Because here’s the truth:
Real connection can’t happen when you’re shape-shifting.
Josh didn’t need to be more impressive.
He needed to be real.
And once he started showing up that way, the dynamic in his relationships changed entirely.
You Don’t Need to Try Harder. You Need to Come Home to Yourself.
The answer is not more effort.
It’s not becoming more agreeable, more “understanding,” or more emotionally available.
It’s becoming more honest.
It’s building the capacity to:
Say no—even when it makes someone uncomfortable
Set a boundary—even when you feel guilty
Stay present with yourself—instead of spiraling around others’ reactions
Speak up, not to be liked—but because your truth matters
That’s not easy.
At first, it feels terrifying.
Your nervous system will scream.
You’ll feel guilty.
You’ll want to go back to shrinking just to make things easier.
But don’t.
Because that tension?
That discomfort?
That’s the beginning of you finally being seen.
If This Is You…
If you’re doing everything “right” and it’s still not working…
That’s your signal.
That’s your wake-up call.
You don’t need to disappear anymore.
You don’t need to perform to be loved.
You don’t need to abandon yourself to be chosen.
There’s another way.
One where you:
Prioritize your peace
Speak your truth
Let people misunderstand you and survive it
Give love from overflow—not from depletion
Attract relationships built on truth, not on performance
Your Turn
💭 Which part of this hit home the most for you?
💬 Leave a comment or reply—I read every message.
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Let’s get you free.
—Zalman