😔 You’re Not Selfish for Wanting Space—You’re Just Finally Tired of Disappearing

What if putting yourself first isn’t wrong… but overdue?

Photo by János Szüdi on Unsplash

There’s a moment I see again and again in the healing process—
when a people-pleaser finally says:

“I’m tired of being the one who always adjusts.”

Not with rage. Not with bitterness.
Just quiet exhaustion.

She’s tired of being the one who rearranges her schedule.
Tired of taking care of everyone else’s comfort first.
Tired of explaining herself over and over—and still feeling guilty for needing space.

But here’s the part that really hits:

She’s also tired of feeling bad for being tired.

Because the second she tries to take a step toward herself, that old voice kicks in:

“You’re being selfish.”
“They’re going to be upset.”
“You should just suck it up—it’s not a big deal.”

It is a big deal.
And it’s not selfish. It’s survival.

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Meet Lila

Lila had spent her entire adult life being everyone’s go-to person.

The one who stepped up at work when someone else dropped the ball.
The one who remembered her partner’s parents’ anniversary.
The one who sent birthday cards, checked in, kept the peace, and carried the emotional weight of every relationship she was in.

She was loved.
But she was also invisible in her own life.

In one session, she told me, “I feel like everyone’s emotional caretaker… but I don’t know where I go when I need something.”

She didn’t want to become cold. Or unavailable. Or someone who "made everything about herself.”

But she also didn’t want to keep burning out while smiling politely.

That’s when we reframed it.

---

The Truth She Needed to Hear

“Lila, you’re not selfish for wanting space.
You’re just finally tired of disappearing.”

That’s what clicked.

Because for people-pleasers—especially women—it’s not just about learning to set boundaries.

It’s about unlearning the belief that caring for yourself means you’re hurting others.
That you’re abandoning them.
That you’re “too much,” “too needy,” or “not nice.”

But here’s the truth:

When you care for yourself, you don’t stop caring for others.
You just stop doing it from a place of depletion, fear, and guilt.

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The Shift That Changes Everything

Caring for yourself doesn’t close you off.

It expands your capacity.

Because when you’re not constantly scanning for how others feel…
When you’re not pouring from an empty cup…
When you’re no longer performing safety through self-erasure…

You start to feel something powerful: calm.

And from that calm comes clarity.
From that clarity comes power.

You speak more clearly.
You feel less guilt.
You trust your “no” just as much as your “yes.”
And the people who truly love you?
They don’t leave when you change.
They learn to meet the real you.

---

So Let Me Say It Again:

You are not selfish for wanting time to think.
You are not difficult for needing space.
You are not too much for asking to be considered.

You are just a person who’s finally trying to meet your own needs—
instead of waiting for others to give you permission to matter.

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📥 Ready to break that old pattern?

DM me “PDF” and I’ll send you my free guide:
Why You’re Still Saying Yes When You Want to Say No—And How to Finally Stop

You don’t need to explain yourself.
You just need to come home to yourself.

Let’s start there.

—Zalman