“Maybe If I Wasn’t Around, They’d Still Be Together”

Why Childhood Shame Still Haunts Us, and How to Heal It

Photo by Caleb Woods on Unsplash

[Names and identifying details have been changed]

“I was always grounded. I wasn’t allowed to play. My sister would go out and I had to stay home. Clean. Answer the phone. Be quiet. My mom told me I was worthless, dumb, and that my dad didn’t love me. She never said she loved me either. So yeah… it’s from childhood. And I feel that same isolation today.”

That’s what Melissa shared with me during a recent Messaging Therapy exchange.

She’s not alone. And if you’re still carrying emotional pain from childhood—especially the kind no one ever validated—you’re not alone either.

Maybe you also had a parent who wasn’t around. Or worse: one who was present but made you feel invisible. Dismissed. Defective.

Maybe you remember phrases like:

• “You’re not wanted.”

• “You’ll never amount to anything.”

• “Nobody loves you.”

Or maybe the words were never spoken, but the message came through loud and clear in their actions.

When those messages come from the people who were supposed to protect you, they don’t just sting.

They shape you.

They become the beliefs you build your life around—often without realizing it.

The Origins of the “Not Enough” Story

Children don’t have the luxury of stepping back and analyzing dysfunction. They don’t get to say, “Wow, this adult must be deeply emotionally immature.”

No.
Children absorb the blame.
They internalize the pain.
They rewrite the story so they can keep surviving.

“If I were better, maybe Dad would’ve stayed.”
“If I was lovable, maybe Mom wouldn’t be so angry all the time.”
“If I just stop needing anything, maybe I’ll finally get love.”

These aren’t just thoughts. They become survival beliefs; strategies your nervous system created to keep you safe.

But here’s the hard truth:
What protected you as a child may be what’s keeping you stuck as an adult.

When Beliefs Were Your Only Lifeline

I told Melissa something I’ve told many clients over the years:

“You weren’t wrong for believing it. You were a little girl trying to survive in a world that didn’t give her what she needed.”

The belief “I’m not good enough” didn’t come out of nowhere. It wasn’t a personal flaw. It was an explanation. A coping mechanism. A way to make the chaos make sense.

And it worked. It helped you survive.

But now, that same belief might be doing the opposite:

• Holding you back

• Making relationships feel unsafe

• Keeping you small

• Convincing you that healing is for other people—not someone like you

That’s where the Adult Self needs to step in.

What Happens When You Finally Tune In

When your Adult Self listens—really listens—to what your Kid Self went through, something powerful happens.

You stop minimizing it.
You stop saying, “It wasn’t that bad.”
You stop rushing to forgive people who never took responsibility.

And instead, you say what nobody ever did:

• “That wasn’t okay.”

• “You were just a kid.”

• “You were never the problem.”

This isn’t just comforting talk.
It’s repair.
It’s reparenting.
It’s rewiring the way your nervous system understands emotional safety and worth.

That’s how healing begins. Not from advice or analysis, but from presence and compassion.

A Tool That Works: The Unsent Letter

One of the most powerful tools I offer clients like Melissa is the Unsent Letter.

It’s simple…but not easy.

You write a letter to the person who hurt you.
You write it as many times as you need.
You write until you’re clear and feel heard.
You don’t send it.
You don’t filter it.
You don’t try to be spiritual or polite.

You write it so the Kid You finally gets to speak.

The goal isn’t to get your parent to understand.
The goal is for you to understand what you’ve been holding all these years.

To feel it.
To express it.
To honor the part of you that’s been silenced for decades.

“You told me I was worthless.
And I believed you.
But I don’t want to believe you anymore.”

That’s where the shift begins.

Why Most Therapy Doesn’t Touch This

A lot of people go to therapy, talk about their past, and still feel stuck.

Why?

Because talking about pain isn’t the same as meeting it.

Analyzing childhood trauma isn’t the same as feeling what it was like for the child who lived through it.

If you’ve ever felt like therapy helped you understand but didn’t help you heal, this may be why.

In Messaging Therapy, we meet these moments as they’re happening.

Not once a week.
Not in a recap.
But in real time, when the emotions are raw, when the beliefs are active, when the Kid Self is tugging on your sleeve saying:

“Please don’t ignore me again.”

That’s where we begin.
We speak to that part.
And we replace silence with presence.

One Client’s Turning Point

Melissa had heard “you’re not wanted” so many times, it felt like her own thought.
That’s what shame does. It moves inside.

But when we paused and she reread her own message out loud, she said:

“Wow. I never really realized how much I went through.”

That moment wasn’t dramatic. But it was a turning point.

Because when she saw the pain through adult eyes—with compassion, not criticism—she began to feel something new:

Grief.
Anger.
Clarity.
And even, just for a moment, relief.

That’s healing. Not flashy. But real.

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Final Thoughts

If you’re still struggling with the voice in your head that says:

• “You don’t matter.”

• “You’re too much.”

• “You’re not lovable.”

Please hear this:

That voice isn’t you.
It’s the echo of a wound.
And wounds can heal.

You are not too late.
You are not broken.
You are not alone.

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📱 Learn more about Messaging Therapy: emotional support when you actually need it—not just once a week.
✍️ Try writing your Unsent Letter. If you want to share even a sentence, you’re welcome to reply to this note. I’ll read every one. Click here if you want some free support in writing it.

You were never the problem.
And healing is already underway.