They Might Never Change—But You Can
What if your frustration isn’t just about them… but also about you?
We all have someone in our life who gets under our skin.
A parent who keeps crossing the same line.
A partner who shuts down the same way every time.
A friend who repeats the same hurtful pattern—again.
And every time it happens, it’s like watching an emotional rerun.
Same situation. Same reaction. Same frustration.
You tell yourself:
“They just won’t change.”
And you might be right.
But what if that’s not the only truth?
Read this twice:
“When you keep getting irritated by someone who refuses to change, you are also refusing to change.”
Let that sink in.
Because the more we hope, push, manage, or wait for someone else to grow,
the more we avoid our own growth.
Change doesn’t always mean fixing them.
Sometimes, it means you show up differently.
Change Might Look Like...
✔️ Setting a boundary that you’ve been avoiding
✔️ Detaching with love instead of clinging with fear
✔️ Letting go of the fantasy version of who they could be
✔️ Grieving the relationship you wish you had
✔️ Giving yourself permission to stop showing up the same way
The irritation you feel?
It’s not just about what they’re doing.
It’s also about the part of you that’s still:
Waiting to be chosen
Waiting to feel safe
Waiting for the dynamic to magically change
But freedom doesn’t come when they finally get it right.
It comes when you decide you’re done waiting.
So What Now?
Next time you feel yourself getting stuck in the same loop with someone, try asking:
“What is this reaction trying to teach me about how I need to grow?”
That’s where the real work begins.
That’s where you begin to change—even if they never do.
Your Turn
💭 Has someone in your life been triggering the same reaction over and over?
🧠 What boundary, shift, or insight might finally move you forward?
Comment and share—I read every message.
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🚀 Want to go deeper? Messaging therapy gives you the space to unpack patterns like this—at your own pace, through thoughtful, guided conversation.
Send me a message if you want to learn more.
Talk soon,
Zalman
I used to think my irritation meant they were the problem. But recently, I’ve started seeing it as a mirror—showing me where I haven’t grown, where I’m still waiting to be rescued emotionally. That line—'you are also refusing to change'—is like a bell that keeps ringing in my chest. Thank you for writing this. It’s not just emotionally true—it’s a spiritual principle. One I’m still learning to embody.
I went through this myself!! Learning to reflect on myself and the changes i could personally make was the best decision of my life!!
I finally have peace with this person and I'm not longer so easily triggered!! It's amazing how much a shift in perspective can really change an inflammatory situation!!
Zalman you are really doing some amazing work here!! I love reading your articles and notes!! They really resonate with me!!
I wish I could have found your work alot earlier in my life 🤣😂🤣 it took me soook long to learn this stuff!!