Where Did Your Anger Go?
Why many people-pleasers can’t access their anger—and how to start feeling again
A member of our Break Free from People Pleasing community on Facebook asked an incredibly important question this week:
“Raised as a people-pleaser?
You learned to ignore your needs.
To say yes out of guilt.
To stay silent to avoid tension.But all that giving turns into quiet resentment. Into anger you keep swallowing.
Healthy love doesn’t ask you to abandon yourself.”
One member responded with a question that hit me—and many others—right in the heart:
“Why aren’t I feeling anger about it?”
And I want to talk about it here—because this isn’t just her question.
It’s a question so many people-pleasers quietly carry but don’t always know how to ask:
Why don’t I feel mad about the ways I abandoned myself?
Why can’t I access the anger I should feel toward how I was treated?
Why do I feel numb when I think about what I went through?
If you’ve ever wondered that too, you’re not broken.
You’re not defective.
You’re not doing it wrong.
You’re actually right where you need to be.
Let’s talk about why.
When Anger Goes Underground
If you grew up in an environment where emotions weren’t safe…
Where anger was punished, mocked, ignored, or made dangerous…
You didn’t stop feeling anger.
You learned to bury it.
You adapted by pushing it underground—because feeling it felt unsafe.
Because showing it felt dangerous.
Because expressing it meant risking love, safety, or connection.
So where did that anger go?
It didn’t disappear.
It simply changed form.
The Disguises of Buried Anger
When anger has been buried for years (or decades), it often shows up as:
Chronic exhaustion
Persistent sadness
Overwhelm
Numbness
Anxiety
Feeling like you’re on the verge of tears—but not knowing why
This is not failure.
This is not weakness.
This is your nervous system doing what it had to do to keep you safe back then.
Why People-Pleasers Especially Struggle With Anger
If you learned early that your job was to keep others calm… If you became the peacemaker, the fixer, the emotional glue…
You internalized this message:
“If I’m angry, I’m a problem. If I’m upset, I’m unsafe. I must stay quiet, agreeable, flexible.”
So it makes perfect sense that anger feels foreign now.
It makes sense that you might feel guilty just thinking about getting mad.
It makes sense that you might even question whether you have the right to feel upset at all.
The First Step: Permission
Before you can reconnect with your anger, you need something crucial:
Permission to feel anything at all—without judgment.
Not just permission to rage.
But permission to feel confused.
To feel small.
To feel sad.
To feel numb.
Every feeling you’ve buried needs space to breathe.
Healing doesn’t start by forcing yourself to feel a certain way.
It starts by making it safe to feel whatever is already there.
Even if it’s not anger yet.
Even if it’s just silence.
You’re not behind.
You’re not missing something.
You’re right where you need to be.
How to Start Reconnecting With Your Anger
Here are a few gentle starting points:
🌀 Practice Noticing
Without trying to change anything, simply notice when you feel a flicker of discomfort.
A tight chest, a clenched jaw, a heavy sigh—these are often anger’s earliest whispers.
🌀 Validate Every Feeling
Instead of asking, “Is this justified?” or “Is this too much?” ask, “What is my body trying to tell me?”
🌀 Allow Small Acts of Expression
Journaling one sentence of irritation.
Saying “I don’t like that” when something feels wrong.
Setting a tiny boundary, even if it feels uncomfortable.
🌀 Separate Then from Now
Remind yourself: “I am not that scared child anymore. It is safe for me to have feelings now.”
Final Thoughts: Your Anger Is Not the Enemy
Your anger was never bad.
It was never wrong.
It was never too much.
It’s the part of you that knew you deserved better.
The part of you that understood something wasn’t right—even when no one around you could admit it.
You buried it because you had to.
But you don’t have to keep it buried anymore.
Today, you get to make a new decision:
“It’s safe for me to feel what I feel.”
That’s where healing begins.
Not by yelling louder.
Not by forcing rage.
But by giving yourself permission to feel—even if what you feel is just a tiny shift.
Even if it’s just an exhale.
Even if it’s just a maybe.
That’s enough.
You’re enough.
And you’re doing it exactly right.
Your Turn
💬 Have you ever struggled with feeling numb or disconnected from anger?
🧠 What has helped you start reconnecting with your real feelings?
Reply and share—I read every message.
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