Why Putting Yourself First Feels Selfish—But Isn’t
Reclaiming your right to exist at the center of your own life
Somewhere along the way, many of us were taught that love means self-sacrifice.
Especially if you were raised to be the peacekeeper, the helper, the one who held it all together. Whether in your family, friendships, or parenting roles, the message was loud and clear:
💬 “Good people put others first.”
💬 “Caring means saying yes.”
💬 “Being selfless is the goal.”
So what happens when you try to turn that around?
When you say no.
When you choose rest.
When you ask for help.
When you say, “I matter too.”
It feels… wrong. Uncomfortable. Maybe even selfish.
But that discomfort isn’t truth. It’s programming.
The Cost of Always Being “Good”
Many people don’t realize that chronic people-pleasing is often just codependency in disguise. You start to confuse care with control. You lose the thread of your own needs in the name of keeping others calm, stable, or close.
You’re not trying to manipulate. You’re trying to survive.
And when you’ve spent years taking up as little space as possible—emotionally, relationally, physically—stepping into a life where you take up more can feel threatening.
It’s not.
It’s healing.
Vignette: Maya’s Turning Point
Maya, a longtime client of mine, once shared how impossible it felt to say no to her teenage daughter—even when she was exhausted. Her daughter would ask her to drop everything and help, and Maya, running on fumes, would do it.
Every time.
When I asked why, Maya said, “Because that’s what a good parent does. That’s love, right?”
But what we uncovered was this:
Maya wasn’t showing up from love—she was showing up from fear.
Fear that saying no would make her a bad parent.
Fear that her worth was measured by her usefulness.
Fear that prioritizing herself would mean she didn’t care.
We reframed it:
💡 What if love includes boundaries?
💡 What if showing up for yourself is what teaches others to do the same?
Today, Maya still supports her daughter—but from a fuller cup. She no longer says yes out of guilt. She says yes when she means it, and no when she needs to.
That’s what healthy love looks like.
Why “Self-Centered” Isn’t a Dirty Word
Binah (featured in the screenshot) said it best:
“Even saying the word ‘self-centered’ brings up guilt. It sounds narcissistic.”
But the truth?
Being self-centered just means you're the center of your own experience.
You listen to your body.
You check in with your emotions.
You consider your capacity before committing.
That’s not selfish.
That’s self-ownership.
A Different Way Forward
If this resonates, here’s where to begin:
Stop overexplaining.
You don’t owe anyone a justification for your boundaries.Learn to tolerate discomfort.
That twinge of guilt? It’s your old programming being challenged.Start small.
One moment of pausing. One “Let me get back to you.” One night where you choose rest instead of rescue.Remind yourself:
Saying yes to you isn’t a no to everyone else.
It’s an invitation to mutual respect, balance, and wholeness.
You weren’t born to be an emotional support system for the world.
You were born to live your life—centered, whole, and free.
You can be loving and centered.
That’s not selfish.
That’s healing.
—Zalman
I was just thinking about this the other day. Thanks for putting this into words. I’ve started taking care of myself first during little moments. Pouring my morning beverage before bringing my partner coffee. Putting my groceries away before giving my dog all of the attention. I can’t give my full attention to the next thing if I’m neglecting myself, and I know that.
This actually did take me some time to figure out. I still put others first, but I’ve learned not to let that be at my expense. The more you take care of yourself, the more you can do for others.