What If “Chemistry” Is Just a Sign You’re About to Be Triggered Again?

Photo by Josh Hild on Unsplash

You meet someone new.
They’re charming, intense, mysterious.
Your heart races. You feel something.
It’s magnetic. Familiar. Unexplainable.

And right away, your mind says:
“We’ve got chemistry.”

But what if that spark isn’t a green light?
What if it’s a red flag?

What if that emotional high is your nervous system recognizing a familiar dynamic—
one that once helped you survive…
but now only sets you up to repeat the same cycle?

Let’s talk about it.

When Familiar Feels Like Fate

A client recently asked me:

“Why do I keep feeling intense chemistry with people who are toxic or unavailable?”

The answer?

Because your nervous system is wired for the familiar.
And if emotional unavailability, rejection, or chaos were part of your upbringing—
then that chaos feels like home.

You’re not drawn to them.
You’re drawn to a pattern.
You’re drawn to the wound.

The Attraction-Trigger Loop

Here’s how it often plays out:

1. You meet someone who subconsciously mirrors the emotional dynamics you grew up with.

2. You feel pulled in, excited, activated, “alive.”

3. They start behaving in ways that match old wounds (dismissive, unpredictable, critical).

4. You try harder, over-function, or shut down.

5. You feel confused, rejected, not enough.

6. You wonder what you did wrong.

7. You call it chemistry.

But it’s not love.
It’s activation.

You’re not feeling seen. You’re feeling triggered.

The “Nice But Boring” Person

Here’s what often happens next:

Someone healthy shows up.
They’re kind. Steady. Emotionally safe.
They like you. They don’t play games.

And your nervous system says:

“Meh.”

Because your internal radar isn’t calibrated to safe.
It’s calibrated to familiar.

This is why healing isn’t just about learning new ideas.
It’s about reprogramming what your body and emotions associate with love.

A Client Story

One of my messaging therapy clients told me she met someone she “couldn’t stop thinking about.” He was inconsistent, sometimes cold, and deeply avoidant, but the pull she felt was undeniable.

She knew something was off. But she kept calling it chemistry.

Through our work, she began to see the truth:
He wasn’t making her feel alive. He was making her feel anxious.
He wasn’t “the one.”
He was a familiar emotional setup that recreated the same wounds she experienced with a parent growing up. Never feeling chosen…always feeling like too much or not enough.

The good news?
Once she saw it clearly, the attraction began to lose its grip.

And a few weeks later, when someone new entered her life—someone calm, steady, interested—she was able to notice a new kind of chemistry.
The kind that builds slowly.
The kind that feels like peace.

So What Do You Do Instead?

Next time you feel that surge of chemistry, pause and ask:

…Am I feeling safe or activated?
…Is this person reminding me of someone from my past?
…Do I feel seen and supported… or anxious and unsure?
…Does this connection pull me toward growth, or toward chasing?

And if it’s the latter?

That’s not your soulmate.
That’s your emotional GPS rerouting you to a wound you’ve already outgrown.

Ready to Break the Pattern?

If you’re done confusing chaos for connection…
If you’re ready to heal the wounds that keep pulling you back into the same old dynamics…

I created something for you.

Still Saying Yes When You Want to Say No?
You’re not “too sensitive” or “bad at dating.”
You’re stuck in a pattern that trained you to abandon yourself to keep the peace.

👉 Get my free 4-part training
“Why You’re Still Saying Yes When You Want to Say No—And How to Finally Stop.”
✔ Understand why boundaries don’t stick
✔ Learn how to build emotional safety
✔ Finally say no—without guilt

Click here to get it
Your healing starts the moment you decide to choose you.

Want personal support to break free from old patterns?

Spots are open now for messaging-based emotional strength training. Real support, in real time, that goes way deeper than talk therapy.
Not sure if it’s right for you? DM me and let’s talk.
💬 Click here to learn more