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  • Writer's picture Zalman Nelson - Therapist

Why You Keep Attracting The 'Wrong' Person In Relationships

Why do I keep attracting the wrong types of people and relationships? Why does the universe send me the worst people ever? Are there any good guys or girls out there?

Do you ever say these things? Are you wondering why things are like this? It's almost like you have this perfect attraction system but just for the wrong types of people.

Let's talk about why that happens.

If you notice, people have this perfect attraction system, you have what looks like a perfect attraction system. They keep getting the same wrong person in relationships. What's going on here? Am I doing something wrong? Some people feel, "Are there any good guys or girls out there at all?"

Here's the thing. The one constant in all these relationships is you.

I'm not blaming you; I want to empower you because the attraction system is perfect, and it will always be perfect. It'll always be bringing into your life the kinds of people that you need, that are good for you, that you want.

Wait a minute. How could somebody who's bad for me be good for me? How could it be good that you're attracting the wrong person in your relationships?

You have a choice. There's a part of you with emotions, with feelings. There's an inner kid part and an adult part. We are made up of two. There's a kid part that absorbs a whole bunch of things growing up, some unmet emotional needs, some false beliefs about who we are. We carry that with us to this day.

The person that you are today is a combination of two. There's a kid part until around 12 or 13 that absorbed a whole lot of messages, interactions, the environment, and the emotional environment created by my parents. We, as kids, come into the world looking to get a sense of ourselves. Who are we? Some of it's good, and some of our needs get met—validation, reassurance, security, confidence if you love safe. Some of them don't. When they don't get met, we start trying to understand and come up with certain things.

That part, then, around 12 or 13, is an adult part that comes on board. Now, here you are today. You still have that kid part, and that's what triggers you. Now, we have a choice in life. Either we're going to start to face that part, connect with it, or we're going to avoid it. What's not your fault at all is what you went through as a kid, the environment you grew up in. You came into the world looking for parents to feel loved, safe, and secure, to get your needs met. But it is up to you now, and I want to empower you to take a look at that and start facing it so you can heal and move past it.

But this is all of your addictions, projection, blaming. You know, all the people who can't ever take ownership of their own mistakes—that's what's going on. We're either going to face or avoid all of the issues that bring somebody to me for therapy. It's about the behaviors—when do you do it, why do you do it, and underneath it is a whole bunch of emotions that really need attention.

Here's how it works. You don't know this; you didn't realize that. Nobody taught this to us unless we had amazing parents who taught us emotions. But it's not taught in schools or anywhere. Maybe you find it online, but we need to face our stuff. Until we do, we are going to attract people into our lifetime, and time again, that will bring out those very same feelings.

This is why your attraction system is perfectly working with you and for you, trying to help you heal. It's why you're attracting what seems to be the wrong person in relationships. Either we're going to start connecting with what's going on inside of us emotionally and learn from it, work through it, heal it, start meeting our own emotional needs, and validate ourselves. Or we're going to continually come up against bosses, friends, colleagues, and partners that bring out that very same collection of feelings.

That's what it's about. Don't take my word for it. Search for "feelings chart," and download one. Think about a recent relationship that you had, one of these bad types you're trying not to connect with anymore. Think about that interaction, a typical interaction, or something they did. Instead of making it about them, make it about you.

I started to see this in sessions a lot where I would talk to people, and they would tell me what happened. She said, and I said, and he said, back and forth. But there's clearly something missing here. I said, "What were you feeling at that moment?" Then just silence. It's because we don't think about it. We're not aware of it, or it's because we've been dealing with emotions by running away from emotions for a long time.

So, we don't have the vocabulary. But once we do, and I give somebody a feeling chart, and it's okay, you're going to put yourself back in that moment, that argument, that situation. You were treated that way. Look at this chart of feelings and allow that to give you some suggestions of vocabulary. What were you feeling in that moment?

Get five words or eight words. When else have you felt those feelings? Boom, the lights go on. Very often, unless it was really traumatic in childhood, and you blocked off a lot of it. It's okay. You can stay in the moment. That inner kid part was you then, back there with parents, growing up in school, friends. That same part is with you now, and these feelings that come up with these partners that the universe keeps sending you that are bad for you—it's the same feelings again and again.

But we never stop. We never tune in because we don't know, so we don't realize it. Then you say, "Well, I keep getting the same partner." What's the same experience trying to put you in touch with the same feelings? It's kind of like Amazon keeps coming to the door to deliver a package, and we won't let them in. So, they keep coming to the door to deliver it until we say, "No, let me open the door, take the package, take a look at it," which is the feeling.

And we see it. You go, "Wow, I felt these feelings before." Your attraction system is bringing to you people and experiences that hopefully will put you in touch with feelings that need your attention. As we do that, as soon as we do that, we start to connect with those feelings. We start to go into that inner kid part. We start to work through that.

We don't need another person coming into our life putting us in touch with our feelings because you're doing the work in calm moments away from these interactions to get in touch with those parts of what you feel. In the future, then, when you're around people, you're just much, much less triggered.

Two other things start to happen. That incredible attraction system is now shifting. It's still attractive, but it no longer needs to bring you those old types to put you face to face with those feelings because you're working through it. And, you're now attracting new, better, more fitting types of people.

For more support on red flags and dating, check out my other videos on my YouTube channel. Be sure to like, subscribe, and click the notification bell to stay updated on future videos. Set up a consultation to see if individual therapy and support can meet your personal goal for growth and relationships.

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