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  • Writer's picture Zalman Nelson - Therapist

Breaking the Cycle: Unveiling the Patterns of Attracting Emotionally Unavailable People

Updated: Feb 9


I recently assisted someone in unraveling the intricate web of attracting emotionally unavailable individuals. This pervasive pattern, deeply rooted in childhood experiences, often goes unnoticed until it becomes a source of frustration. In this exploration, we'll delve into the complexities of emotional unavailability, dissecting its manifestations and shedding light on the journey from victimhood to empowerment.



Understanding Emotionally Unavailable People

Emotional unavailability, characterized by unreliability and unpredictability, manifests in various forms. The feeling of uncertainty in a relationship, coupled with sporadic communication, creates a sense of unease. The key realization often occurs when individuals acknowledge that they are the common denominator in their repeated patterns. Childhood experiences and inner child trauma shape our perceptions of normalcy, leading us to unconsciously seek familiar dynamics in adulthood.



The Dynamics of Attraction

Attraction, a fascinating aspect of human behavior, operates on a finely tuned system. Our attraction system consistently draws individuals who mirror the patterns we are familiar with, whether consciously or subconsciously. Exploring our emotions, understanding our reactions, and tracing them back to similar experiences from our past are crucial steps in recognizing these patterns.



Emotionally Unavailable Case Study: Unpacking the Past

In a specific case, the individual I assisted grew up with alcoholic parents who were emotionally self-absorbed. This upbringing instilled a heightened sensitivity to others' needs but posed challenges in setting boundaries and prioritizing self-care. The journey toward healing involves reversing extreme selflessness, understanding one's worth, and finding a healthy balance between giving and receiving.



The Addiction Analogy

Comparing emotionally unavailable relationships to addiction, particularly gambling, reveals the challenge of breaking free from intermittent reinforcement. The unpredictability of positive or negative experiences in such relationships creates a cycle that can be difficult to break. Shifting the focus from changing the external person to internal self-awareness is crucial for breaking free from this cycle.



The Path to Healing

Breaking free from the cycle requires a shift from victimhood to a mindset of growth and self-discovery. Becoming emotionally available to oneself involves tuning in, connecting with emotions, and building an emotional vocabulary. Naming the feelings that arise during moments of emotional unavailability and recognizing the patterns that echo past experiences are essential steps.


In conclusion, the journey from attracting emotionally unavailable individuals to building healthier relationships starts with self-awareness and self-love. Breaking free from old patterns involves facing inner demons, reparenting oneself, and fostering a deep connection with one's emotions. As individuals become more available to themselves, they naturally attract and are attracted to healthier relationship dynamics. If you resonate with these insights or have questions, feel free to share your thoughts in the comments or subscribe for more discussions on relationships and personal growth.



If you want to delve deeper into this concept or have specific questions, schedule a free consultation and check out the other informative videos on my YouTube channel – be sure to like, subscribe, and share while you're there :)


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