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  • Writer's picture Zalman Nelson - Therapist

Life Patterns: Abandonment

Updated: Dec 28, 2023

abandonment life pattern

Life Patterns are a blind attachment to the image we formed, received, had pushed on us, absorbed, and were trained to believe about ourselves.

The Abandonment Life Pattern strongly features the feeling that the people closest to you will leave and you will end up alone forever. Those with the pattern tend to cling too tightly to others when they hold on to this belief and wind up pushing people away. Even normal experiences of separation cause anxiety and agitation and are seen as threatening. As a result, people struggling with the Abandonment Life Partner often wind up causing the very abandonment they fear occurring.

Beginning of The Abandonment Life Pattern

Abandonment begins in the first years of your life before you knew the language or had words to

describe your experience. As a result, even as an adult there may be no thoughts

connected to the experience of the Life Pattern. When you do try to describe your abandonment experience, it sounds like, “I’m all alone,” “No one is there for me.”

The early onset of this Life Pattern leads it to wield tremendous emotional force, and even slight separations trigger intense reactions. Primarily, Abandonment is brought on by deeper or more intimate relationships, and may not be noticeable in groups or casual relationships. The most powerful triggers are caused by separations from loved ones.

In addition, the separations do not have to be real, or occur physically, in order to trigger a strong emotional reaction to the Abandonment Life Pattern. Rather, you’ll be overly sensitive and frequently assume others’ intent to abandon their innocent remarks. Still, the most powerful triggers of Abandonment are real loss and separation such as divorce, someone moving or going away, and death.

Two Types of Abandonment Life Pattern

There are two types of abandonment, produced by two types of early childhood environments. The first type comes from an environment that is too secure and overprotected. This

type represents a combination of Abandonment with lots of dependence: a belief that they can’t survive alone; that they need a strong figure to guide and direct them through daily life.

Many people have a strong Abandonment Life Pattern but without an issue of dependence. They belong to the second type, where the LIfe Pattern was caused by instability in childhood emotional connections to the closest people: mother, father, sisters and brothers, and close friends. Where the Life Pattern arose from instability, then you experienced an emotional connection that was then lost. As a result, you cannot bear to be apart from the people you love because of the way you feel without them. You feel lost without them, thrown into nothingness, and unable to self-soothe.


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